Tuesday, 11 September 2007

Feeling Sorry For Myself..........

I have felt pretty awful since Tuesday last week. I had to leave work early on Tuesday - an overtime shift - which I have never done before. I hadn't stopped for over a week and a half until yesterday. I have had headaches, migraines and felt generally yucky. Yesterday everything got too much. I was ok to begin with, then got a nasty headache and started feeling very sorry for myself. Nearly in tears a few times throughout the day, especially when B got home. Not his fault, I just worry a lot about the fact that I seem to be lurching from one thing to the next at the moment.

He keeps telling me that he loves me and wants to be with me but I can't help thinking why would he want me? I seem to spend half my time not feeling well, I get through work and then end up tired on the sofa, or in bed early. When I put my sensible head on I think well actually I was fine until I relapsed again, going out for dinners, cinema etc It doesn't make it any easier though. I have this constant nagging going on in the back of my head. I also don't want to keep saying it to him as I will start sounding like a broken record. I hate feeling like I need something, even if it isn't all the time.

What really prompted all this was waking up Sunday morning and realising that I have Optic Neuritis. I got through Sunday, I had to. Told D at work, told B in the evening and then woke up Monday morning and had to deal with it on my own. Its not bad, no real effect on my vision and mild pain. Nothing like last time, its just too close to being something that could take me off the road again, which scares me. There it is I am scared. Scared of loosing B, scared of not being able to do my job, scared about the future, just plain scared. I guess when this relapse clears up I will be back to my normal self - just feeling very sorry for myself at the moment.

On a lighter note B's parents visited at the weekend. I was at work both days but made it home at a reasonable time. We went out for dinner Saturday night and B cooked Sunday night. We are meeting them in Bristol next weekend for a nice meal so that should be good as well. B's Mum did some weeding which really needed doing! B and his Dad put up the shelves in the shower, typical Man thing with the instructions but they got it up in the end!!

I had my first full dose of Rebif yesterday morning, 44. I had a headache in the afternoon which may or may not have been caused by the Rebif, I will keep an eye on things. I took it in the morning as I am at work Wed evening and don't really want to be taking the high dose at work, just in case I have any problems. If I get through this week ok I will start taking it at work again.

So all in all some good times and a fair few bad times this last couple of weeks. I will pull myself together at some point.

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