Tuesday, 25 September 2007

Gave in.

So on Saturday morning I drove round to my flat and thought, I really shouldn't be driving. I drove again Sunday afternoon and thought the same, therefore Sunday evening I bit the bullet and called in sick. I have emailed S and she is going to talk to my Neuro and I think I may be offered steroids, I don't really want steroids but then I don't want to be off work for long. The good thing is everyone seems to agree that taking time to get better is a good idea and to continue going to work when I can't see properly through my left eye is a bad idea. I still feel bad about not being at work but I seem to feel much more at peace now I have made that decision and am not worrying about whether I should really be at work.

Went out for lunch with a friend today. She came and picked me up and we had a quick bite in town. I am now finding it more difficult to read without becoming distracted by the fuzzy bit to the left of my vision.... Still it was a nice lunch and I enjoyed catching up with A. She has had plenty to deal with over the last couple of years and things are finally sorting themselves out - I am really really pleased for her!

I am having my flat valued this evening, have to wait for B to get home and take me over there and Mum and Dad are popping over to do a couple of bits as well. Must remember to take some tea, coffee and milk over.

Since our weekend in Bristol B and I have decided that a 'dirty' weekend away would be a really nice idea so we are planning away, hopefully in the near future and within a couple of hours drive away. Can't wait!!

Friday, 21 September 2007

Together a bit!

Well since my last post I have pulled myself together a bit! Feeling much happier now although still tired and finding work hard. I am wondering whether I need some time off, I don't really want to but I think I might have to take a couple of weeks to myself, just to catch up!

I had a really good weekend in Bristol with B and B's parents. We had did the Bristol Bus Tour in the afternoon and then had a really nice dinner at a place called SevernShed. B raved about his meal so I guess it was really very good. I really enjoyed my dinner but for B to rave!! B's Mum seemed to like her presents and enjoyed her holiday so all in all a 60th Birthday success!! On the Sunday it was the Open Water Event which went well considering! About half the number of people turned up this year but that was to be expected after the July postponement. I was extremely tired afterwards and collapsed in a heap when I got home!

The injections are going well still, have had no problems with side effects or bad injection marks. My relapse is still hanging around, I can cope with the torso still its just annoying but my left eye is becoming a problem. I was single manned last night and had to split another crew so I didn't have to drive. This is one of the reasons I think I may need a week off........

As for work, I have had some good jobs recently and some fairly naff ones. Picked up a lady having an MI last night. She was absolutely fine the whole time she was with us. A little pale to begin with but on oxygen she started to pick up and her pain reduced. We took her straight to the hospital, where we were it wasn't worth waiting for a Paramedic, from arrival at scene to arrival at hospital it was 30 minutes, 36 minutes from call to hospital. Once we arrived at hospital they prepared to Thrombolyse, as they were putting the drug in our pt arrested, causing a major panic (not what I expect from a Cardiac Care Unit), I was asked (well screamed at) to put the crash bleep in, which I did, and after the arrival of a few more staff things started to look more organised and they managed to get a heart beat back.

I have no idea what the outcome was, we had to leave and get back to work. Unfortunately me being me I now wonder what I could have done quicker to get the pt in quicker. We were in the house just over 10 minutes, did the 12 - lead in the back and left, going very quickly, for the hospital.

Still, I will beat myself up for a day then sort myself out. Seem to spend most of my time trying to pull myself together at the moment, ah well, such is life!!

Tuesday, 11 September 2007

Feeling Sorry For Myself..........

I have felt pretty awful since Tuesday last week. I had to leave work early on Tuesday - an overtime shift - which I have never done before. I hadn't stopped for over a week and a half until yesterday. I have had headaches, migraines and felt generally yucky. Yesterday everything got too much. I was ok to begin with, then got a nasty headache and started feeling very sorry for myself. Nearly in tears a few times throughout the day, especially when B got home. Not his fault, I just worry a lot about the fact that I seem to be lurching from one thing to the next at the moment.

He keeps telling me that he loves me and wants to be with me but I can't help thinking why would he want me? I seem to spend half my time not feeling well, I get through work and then end up tired on the sofa, or in bed early. When I put my sensible head on I think well actually I was fine until I relapsed again, going out for dinners, cinema etc It doesn't make it any easier though. I have this constant nagging going on in the back of my head. I also don't want to keep saying it to him as I will start sounding like a broken record. I hate feeling like I need something, even if it isn't all the time.

What really prompted all this was waking up Sunday morning and realising that I have Optic Neuritis. I got through Sunday, I had to. Told D at work, told B in the evening and then woke up Monday morning and had to deal with it on my own. Its not bad, no real effect on my vision and mild pain. Nothing like last time, its just too close to being something that could take me off the road again, which scares me. There it is I am scared. Scared of loosing B, scared of not being able to do my job, scared about the future, just plain scared. I guess when this relapse clears up I will be back to my normal self - just feeling very sorry for myself at the moment.

On a lighter note B's parents visited at the weekend. I was at work both days but made it home at a reasonable time. We went out for dinner Saturday night and B cooked Sunday night. We are meeting them in Bristol next weekend for a nice meal so that should be good as well. B's Mum did some weeding which really needed doing! B and his Dad put up the shelves in the shower, typical Man thing with the instructions but they got it up in the end!!

I had my first full dose of Rebif yesterday morning, 44. I had a headache in the afternoon which may or may not have been caused by the Rebif, I will keep an eye on things. I took it in the morning as I am at work Wed evening and don't really want to be taking the high dose at work, just in case I have any problems. If I get through this week ok I will start taking it at work again.

So all in all some good times and a fair few bad times this last couple of weeks. I will pull myself together at some point.

Sunday, 2 September 2007

Now on 22!

Well I have been on Rebif, 22 for a week now. I have had no problems that I can attribute to the drug, which is great. I didn't sleep well Monday night but I can't put my finger on why, and I felt ill on Wed, but again I can't put my finger on what was wrong. No problems Wed night and no problems Fri night. I actually injected at work Fri night and worked the remaining 9 hours of my shift without a problem - really hope this continues with the 44!

On the down side I appear to be relapsing again. The left side of my torso is numb between my breast and navel. I didn't expect it so soon after the last one finished but I guess the timescales are right. I am just keeping my fingers crossed that the Rebif helps slow them down. I felt pretty bad once I realsised I was numb again. Found it a little 'depressing' and it hit home that yes it is going to keep happening, nothing I can do about it, other than try to keep healthy and take the drugs. I have MS.......

Work is good, I am on my 3rd night shift and surviving! Was on my own Fri night, first time in a long time. Quite enjoyed it really, although I was bored. Still D has been back for these last 2 nights. We are back on our rota on Mon for 2 weeks which will be nice, then over to Windsor for 2 weeks. It is working out well though as I have a couple of extra weekends off! Woo hoo!!