Back to work

I went back to work today. After having made the decision to take some time out on Thursday I have had a really nice relaxing time. Five days to do what I please (within reason....) I have seen my family and a couple of friends and spent some proper time with B. We had a chat Friday night, he said he was sorry for assuming that I knew he would be there and gave me the reassurance that I needed. He said that it didn't change anything and thought I would know that, which I think I did, I just needed to hear it....... we got there in the end!

Having taken my last dose of Pred on Friday morning I now feel much, much better. Probably a combination of that and a slow acceptance.....

I am no longer taking any pain relief, I think Sunday was the first day I took nothing. It is quite a relief considering every two hours I was taking either Paracetamol or Ibuprofen!! I still have a little pain in my back, especially when I have been standing for a while and when I first go to bed but its nothing I haven't had before and its not really bothering me. My left eye vision is also much, much better. The vision is not as crisp as the right eye but I can now only tell when I actually check to see what I can see!

There hasn't been much change in my legs and arms but they are not getting worse! I tried the pigeon steps thing when I saw the neurologist on the 21st and I could do it. The last time I tried I couldn't so I am still hoping and praying that there is still slow progress.

So as for today I did about four hours at work. Glad I went back today, getting life back to normal slowly. I felt at the time I could have done another hour or so but I am now feeling tired. I have done a couple of other things tonight, like saying bye to my brother before he goes back on his flight, but not all that much. I guess that means that starting at four hours a day is a good idea and hopefully doing more as I am able.

I really need to start getting some exercise as well. I haven't done a lot over the last couple of months, been to uncomfortable to do anything more than a 10 minute walk. Dad wants to start Slimfast and start swimming from next week so I think I will join him. I am already doing the Slimfast diet thingy, although it went to pot last week for obvious reasons. Started again today!!

Anyway, sometimes I sit there and think, I don't want this. Sometimes the messages I read on the MS website scare me and I think why am I reading this but then sometimes the messages are really helpful and encouraging. Most of the time I am ok, want my life to be as it was (without forgetting the MS), back on the road. Time to just get on with it now!! Stop eating chocolate (mostly), stop drinking wine (apart from on my birthday) and look forward to my holiday for which doing the first two things will have helped me loose a couple of pounds!!

A few days in.

Well, its been a few days now. Its been a bit up and down. I've been to work for the last couple of days, if only for a couple of hours. I have worn myself out pretty quickly though. I didn't sleep well again last night so have decided to give work a miss, hopefully getting back to it after the Bank Holiday weekend, be off the steroids by then!

B stayed for the first time since the diagnosis. I have seen him since but we haven't really spent the evening together. He's not saying much, not really sure what he's thinking. I guess he is doing the same as me, digesting things slowly. It has to be a lot for him to take in as well. I am finding it hard to spend what I feel is enough time with everyone I feel I should be. My parents have told me not to worry, to see them when I want to. I just feel that I should be trying to spend time with everyone, except just me. I think I may need some time to myself but I'm not sure. Its quite scary as I don't really want the time to think and inevitably cry.

Having said that today should be relatively quiet, I will probably visit a friend and then go to my parents for dinner. After that a little bit of shopping for my Nan and then home to bed. Hopefully more than 4 hours sleep tonight!

Lack of sleep - again....

My apologies - this is going to become a little self serving while I put down my thoughts at the moment. Having said that it is the point of this blog for the time being.

So last night was interesting. Not long after I posted yesterday I developed lower back pain. I think this is probably the steroids, can't believe I can take that much Pred (500mg) without something unwanted happening, however I woke up this morning without the pain and then it reappeared after about 15 mins so I'm not sure if its the Pred or just tense muscles. Not as painful this morning as last night though.

Having something to frustrate me did however stop my brain mulling over too much which meant that after I finally gave in and consumed (a relatively small amount of) alcohol I slept. I have had about 4 1/2 hours which to be honest is more than I expected.

Today I plan to tell my Station Officer and the guys I am working with at the moment. Was going to try and go to work but I think it'll be a bit much with the constant ache in my back and head. At least my left eye is feeling a bit better, I didn't wake with a headache above my left eye this morning - must think about the plus side!

One Hour.....

Today has been what can only be described as emotional. I had an appointment with my consultant at about 10am to get the full results of my scan. I had a feeling it wasn't going to be good because she checked I was bringing my Mum....

We arrived at 09:45 to find a patient had canceled and we therefore got their space. The basic gist is that by 10:45 I walked out of the consultants room knowing that I have Multiple Sclerosis, obviously not what I wanted to hear but then it could have been worse. On the plus side I got to see an MRI of my brain! Yes there is one there and its generally healthy!! I'm obviously not ignoring the MS but it was fascinating, I saw my eyes and ears and CSF ventricles, very interesting. There was nothing on the MRI of my C-spine so I didn't get to see it..... I had blood taken to test for everything under the sun and have to go to the JR (John Radcliffe) near Oxford so they can aim stuff at my eyes and test for inflammation there. Then its an appointment to see another consultant about Interferons for the MS. So much fun!!

Hopefully this episode of inflammation will go away in the next couple of months and I can get back on the road. Will have forgotten everything already anyway. Every extra day is just compounding it! I have steroids to kick start things as my body is being lazy, I have to take 500mg Pred every morning plus Omeprazole. So fingers crossed I get my hands on the unsuspecting Berkshire public soon!!

Why can't I sleep??

I'm guessing the fact that I had a phone call from my specialist regarding my MRI results has done it. I now know that in theory nothing horrendous is going on, but I still need blood tests and a chat with the specialist.

I am sat at 03:20 starting a blog for the first time, not sure how good I'll be at it but I will give it my best shot. My diary writing got me into a whole heap of trouble when I was about 17, my Mum read it and found out I was doing all the things she hoped to find out I wasn't doing....... Still a few years have gone past since then!!

So the first thing I'll do is recount why I am sitting here typing, not sleeping or working........

I work as an Ambulance Technician for the Berkshire Division of South Central Ambulance Service (formally Royal Berkshire Ambulance NHS Trust) mainly based in Bracknell. I am however on relief and as I am sure you will know from other blogs I can be sent to work at any of the other five Stations(or response points) in Berkshire and the response point in Henley. About 10 weeks ago I took myself off the road because I couldn't feel my legs properly causing me to feel unsteady on stairs (not good when carrying patients.....) and feel unhappy driving ambulances. Since then my legs are still the same and I have developed problems with the movement of both my eyes. Currently my left eye is causing me the most grief......

I had an MRI finally on Wednesday 16th which was an experience! From seeing programs like House I expected something much bigger and intimidating with deafening noise. Well, I picked NOW 51 as my music for the session, which I was told would be about 40 minutes, and then prepared myself. I was in and out, including the walk to and from the department in 1hour - amazing! The machine was small and I could always hear the music over the banging. I think I almost fell asleep at one point - very relaxing!! Think I may be a bit strange thinking that but hey, I rather enjoyed it!!! I make no apologies for my taste in music by the way. NOW 51 was just my thing!

So what am I going to get up to now? I've had a hot chocolate and a nibble, I've tried going back to bed. I think I will just stick to the Hornblower marathon I have embarked on, that should send me to sleep!

December 28th 2007:

Shame the opening paragraph of this post didn't hold true. I was told I had MS about 48 hours after I started this blog, it could have been worse but it was bad enough. I have since had many ups and downs, relapsing for 10 months of this year so far.

I was asked recently if I would like to rewind this year and go back to being well. I replied that if I rewound this year I wouldn't have my other half and I would rather have both B and the MS than lose B to get rid of the MS. 2007 has been very naff in some ways but brilliant in others. Roll on 2008!!